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Now I am tasked with contacting all resources possible and being very firm about the dire situation and that my brother is the equivalent of two deceased parents (he is spending 6 months locked up for breaking domestic violence parole for trying to kill our mother who has always supported him and he is getting crazier and crazier and all the staff where he goes from place to place see this and mark it down he is nuts... Yes, my mother is still alive, but I am considered severely disabled (bedbound often, housebound nearly always, etc.) and she has to worry about me *nonviolent* and my brother is not safe for her to get involved with. It ends up with violence and drug abuse on his end. So I am pretty sure I can make an argument that my mother can be found non-responsible for him, as if she were actually deceased -- it is in her safety interest and she does maintain a restraining order on him, the partner she lives with has the full restraining order like me, and he can't enter either of our homes... So... Unusual situation. He has been on SSI a while and Medicaid and food stamps, so it's not like he has to prove disability. We just have to bump him up waitlists to the equivalent of both parents deceased (I am pretty sure I can do this...) And also me being persistent, knowing legalities, and the fact that there are numerous programs and housing situations around here that would suit him is helpful. There are group homes (not ideal, but he has the opposite problem of me -- people he thinks could mess up what he wants he is quiet and receptive to) and I would report and remove him were there to be serious concern for abuse. Also sober living homes... Things like that. There is a program Michael's friend is doing where he is getting moved from an institution to an apartment with staff visiting to help 3 days a week. There aren't as many resources as there should be, but considering the sucky politics in IL (very corrupt) and the various cuts and huge waitlists for section 8 housing (which would not be helpful to him at all -- he needs monitoring 24 hours a day right now, but with basic rights, entertainment, socialization, therapy, meds, medical attention, reintroducing him into society and him volunteering, at the very least, etc. He is very smart because he is SUPER literary. Biggest reader I have ever met. Not having books literally makes him crazy. I have always been a big reader, but he NEEDS books. He has no social life, no other real mind-expanding hobbies, never leaves his room, is really off-kilter from burn out, etc.

So, anyways, I am optimistic. I live in a pretty wealthy town but there are still pretty Victorian homes around here for the homeless (and our pretty train station is left open for the homeless all winter), there are a variety of housing and county programs right here. Group therapy I really think could be a positive experience for him on so many levels (unlike me, where I really don't relate -- I focus on helping others feel as good as I can and my experiences are very different from my brothers). He definitely has undiagnosed PTSD.

I also go to a UU church filled with lawyers (including a mental health lawyer knowing other mental health lawyers) and mental health workers and former workers, doctors of all varieties, lawyers of all varieties, and a huge emphasis on social justice and respecting the inherent humanity in everyone. The members have often helped me, given me the contact info I need, are getting me set up with a new psychiatrist, etc. So I am sure I can turn to them if things get really frustrating.

But I can do this. I am dizzy and anxious and in pain, but I would rather be in charge and get my brother help and pause his downward spiral than let me mother pay a ton to rent him an apartment where he will be very isolated, doing drugs and drinking more freely, getting worse, possibly getting his apartment condemned again, and my mother taking her stress out on me about how "entitled" I am to not want to live with people putting my life at stake and telling me to "shut up" when I am hacking and sniffling and getting up in the night to pee, which is what my mother always has done (seriously, who forbids their kid to use the bathroom anymore or yells at them to shut up when the allergies, asthma, and mold toxicity are the parents fault???) All the while, my father hacking up a lung sounding about to die (incredibly louldy) ever single night. No, mom, I can't be your roommate. It was agreed a two bedroom home, one for me, one for you if necessary. He doesn't earn a private room for getting sent back to Illinois for adomestic violence felony. One who has tried to kill us both, at that! Seriously! Who calls the desire to be safe when disabled severely from birth "entitlement"??? She told me I deserved to be homeless, and I go time to time getting viciously angry she is talking about another apt. for my brother. My brother actually thought he should get the bigger bedroom due to his tons of electronics, too! I need a caretaker with me usually (so two people's stuff) plus I need access to a bathtub (the other bathroom is a shower -- my brother only even takes showers). Stupid brat only has tons of expensive electronics because he has never paid a bill in his damn life. Not rent even once. Even when he made a bunch working. My mother justifies this because he gets paid less than me (me SSDI, him SSI due to working yet not long enough for SSDI). He's still ending up with more spare money.

But hey, after telling me I should live here without changing a thing and just a bed and tv (because she is tv obsessed) I guess her compliment that things are looking super nice and I am doing a great job decorating helps a bit...? Grasping at straws here, but I am an optimist; she will not stop that. Besides, my mother does help me financially still and I want to be of help, especially while too ill to volunteer (driving me nuts....) I know I can do a superior job to my mother.

Endoscopy at 10:30am tomorrow. Will be talk of a colonoscopy. Idk, nothing serious, just incredibly bad GERD, checking for ulcers (had them at 15 from stress), just ruling out gastroparesis and gall bladder issues. Umm... yeah. Could be bad GERD plus IBS, going by history. I know IBS can be serious (it even qualifies for medical marijuana here... which would make three conditions I qualify under for it, but I am super terrified of asking and being labeled difficult, even if I don't push. I only ask for pain prescriptions when insanely ill (I didn't even fill my rx when in serious shingles pain), so I can't be labeled a "drug seeker" (lots of meds, yes, but hate taking psych meds and no history of asking for addictive things other than I take Klonopin as needed --- which I have gone off cold turkey by choice before, ending in seizures). We shall see.

Ughh... So many drs coming up.

Prepping for Move

I have been pretty busy lately, at least for me. It is very stressful. I am trying to buy furniture off Craigslist for my condo, which is a pain in the butt. I also get nervous about email and drama and getting my feelings hurt. Michael is really helping a lot in my action against the hospital, along with the lawyer. So much to do... Lots of financial, medical, and furniture confusion. I can't wait to move, but there are so many improvements to be made. I hate the outdated ceiling fans, but I'm sure that will wait until I move in. A friend can probably help me replace them with other light fixtures. I am going to chalk paint some secondhand furniture. This move is just SO expensive, because I didn't have the kind of furniture I needed back at my old house, and I will officially be living alone. I really want to make it look nice because over the past few years I was bedridden. I want a friendly, pretty place if I'm stuck home a lot... I'm feeling a lot better now, physically and mentally, but I don't work or drive, so I do spend a lot of time at home, regardless. I don't know when I will know it is safe to travel a lot so I'm not focusing on that right now.

My brother is being crazy again. Therefore, my mother and her boyfriend are angrier than normal, so I have to tiptoe.

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Still Sick

I have still been super sick lately. I can't wait until winter is over. I have been trying to catch up on email. I have been getting along better with my mother. My brother is being extremely reclusive, though. I will be going with Michael to visit April and Phil and their little girl later.

PTSD, Back from California

Sorry I was gone so long. May I was in California and it re-sparked my PTSD and I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety, depression, and out of control feelings since then. I just started Pristiq. I'm also on Metformin now because I might have PCOS. If I don't start losing weight in a couple months I will see an endocrinologist about adrenal problems because my hormone levels are all really low. I just have a couple friends with atypical PCOS so we're giving that a look and I have my ultrasound early July. NOT looking forward to drinnking 32oz of water an hour before the test and not being allowed to pee. Who knows if they will even take me on-time? Plus the prep for the test and test itself. Ugh. I've done it before when endometriosis was suspected, so I guess I can do it again.

My mother is still trying to sell her house. She had an offer that fell through. I really hope someone buys it this summer so we can buy my townhome. My apartment complex is making all kinds of stupid decisions and I'm afraid that if I sign another year's lease (November 1st), I might end up getting kicked out for them to fix up the building, like they did this past winter with the building next to me. I would just move back in with my mother and her partner, like I did last fall, but I attempted suicide during that time because of my mother. She was very cold and cruel. So yeah, hoping for everyone's sake the house sells! My mother wants nothing to do with it. She wants people to just come in the house and take any furniture they want, because she's formally moving in with her partner and we will buy new (but not expensive) furniture for the townhome. I wish my mother were more open to the idea of craigslist... I bet I could find some great, cheap things for the townhouse there, even if she didn't want to sell her stuff there.
I'm going to California to stay with friends from May 7-June 1. I'm in the midst of packing. It's hard to figure out what to bring and what to leave behind when you will be gone so long.

My skin has been breaking out badly lately and it's driving me nuts. I feel gross.

I have so much to do before I go, and I got a bill for old-ish medical testing :( I owe so much money for various things...

My apartment is insanely hot and the air-conditioner is not available yet at my apartment complex. I slept with a cold, wet washcloth on the back of my neck last night. I hope the air is available to be on soon, as Michael will be cat-sitting at my place while I'm gone. I'm both looking forward to my trip and nervous.

Health Is Doing Better, Joey Ate Thread

I keep meaning to post more here, but I end up back on Facebook, which actually causes me a lot of stress. Apparently FaceBook can worsen depression. I am not surprised. Recently my cat, Joey, ate a bit of red thread and I spent $450 with him one night at the animal hospital. Thank goodness he was alright, but really was not up for dealing with that, or the vet bill. He's happy as a clam now! Mrs. Bates (other cat) is the same as always. Lazy. I've started reading the Beautiful Creatures series, having recently seen the movie. I like it. I'm really into YA fiction. I have a subscription to Teen Vogue, too. I relate more to teenagers than 30-somethings in some ways (just not the ultra-cool teens or anything -- they will forever make me squirm). I love the new Cinderella movie that came out, as well as the Irish movie, Song of the Sea. I hope to get both on Blu-ray/dvd someday. I leave for California on May 7 to visit a friend for nearly 4 weeks. She is very ill. I am starting to get healthier, though. My Lyme/Bartonella may be in remission and I'm off antibiotics. My long-time psychiatrist agrees with me I'm NOT bipolar or psychotic -- I have severe Panic Disorder. I'm sure I'm also still diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, but that's less of a problem. Not even convinced I have that and not just more stress with the unexpected due to being autistic. My formerly severe PTSD is also a lot more mild now. I haven't had eating disorder symptoms in at least a year. Etc. So doing much better in many ways. Daily panic attacks suck, though. They are severe panic attacks (the type that have led me to attempt suicide a number of times). Of course, I also was very depressed and a bit crazy due to the Bartonella back when I made suicide attempts. I am doing okay, overall, mentally and physically. Physically I do have Planters/Fasciitis and have since Labor Day weekend -- but I just found out earlier this month. I have new shoes and heel cups for it and I'm doing foot exercises. Hopefully it will clear up in a few months! Oh, and I've been getting seizures again, so I'm seeing a new neurologist in June. My gp flat-out said that a lot of the neurologists in our network have bad skills dealing with patients.
Things still are up and down with my mother. Someone on Facebook keeps telling her what I say about her. I'm just not going to discuss her over there anymore. I will talk about her here, which I should have done from the beginning, but I am not good at thinking logically lately. I've been very depressed and anxious, even with doubling both my Risperdal and Neurontin. I noticed zero change from the increase. My psychiatrist is on vacation until April 7th! :( But I am having his stand-in doctor call me and he might call in a Saphris prescription for me. I used to be on Saphris and had a good response, but then that dwindled. But now I've been treated for a long time for Lyme and Bartonella and I'm on an herbal rx for a virus, so I might have better luck with it. Risperdal isn't helping, anyways, and my hyerprolactanemia might get even more under control switching to Saphris, and I might lose weight. I am afraid to weigh myself. I did eventually gain back about 8lbs that I lost last summer. I had lost a total of 24lbs then. I was about at my half-way point for how much weight I needed to lose.

I am going to California in a little over a month to visit my dear, very ill, friend. I will be there over 3 weeks. I will be staying with my friend, but the flight alone will make this a very expensive trip. Plus I need more cash than usual. I have a lot of plans for the summer, and I hope my body cooperates. I've just been so ill the past few years. Despite the cease in weight loss, I feel I am getting stronger. Also the psychological problems are still bad, but the seizures are lessened.

Valtrex, Irish Exhibit

Sorry I am not updating as much as I intended. I can't be on the internet as much as I used to.

I had a very bad physical/psychological reaction to Valtrex and am now off it and on an herbal rx that hopefully will kill off enough viral "bad cells" and contain the virus so I can respond well to Valtrex. I got blood tested again today and we will see if my blood counts and platelets are still messed up.

Saw an Irish exhibit at the Art Institute last night and it was wonderful. I love going there... So inspiring. And now I really want to visit Ireland <3 Not that I have plans... but someday.

Possible Grand Mal Seizure

Sorry it has been so long since I posted. I read my friendslist still, even when not posting. I think I had a seizure early in the morning. Last night I was overheated, super happy, super excited, buying books on my Kindle I couldn't afford and reading late into the night. I had wine to try and make me sleep and it didn't work at all. Eventually I took Klonopin, plus it was super late, and I slept. The time before seizures can be manic-like. I think I had a seizure while sleeping, though I didn't wet the bed this time. I woke up really groggy, but managed to shower. Then got REALLY exhausted and for about six hours laid in bed, not moving. Sometimes I was awake, but I still couldn't even lift my arm. I missed phone calls. Finally I struggled up and craved really high fat food and ate tons of bacon and ice cream. The Ketogenic diet for seizures is high-fat and I know of other people who feel better faster from seizures by eating lots of fat. I don't remember how that works. In 2012 I had an EEG showing seizure activity, but my 2014 one was normal (though I was on the maximum dose of Topamax at the time of my testing, and that had seemed to be controlling my seizures). I'm just on an average dose of Neurontin now, through my psychiatrist, for anxiety and pain. I don't see a neurologist. I have a bad history with them (they have tended to scare me -- I get ones that are very opinionated with strong personalities). In the summer when I had my last test and it came clean, my neurologist blamed my seizure-like experiences on "Fugue" and "PTSD" even before I told him I had PTSD. I was really embarrassed and just gave up seizure treatment, assuming I was all better. I do think I had a severe seizure last May that left me bedridden with vertigo for over a month and caused me amnesia. But other than that, seizure-like experiences were out of the normal for me on the maximum dose of Topamax. I think I might still be getting seizures -- just very occasionally and usually small ones when they do happen. I will tell my psychiatrist if this keeps happening and go back on the max dosage of Topamax through him if need be. The neurologists scare me too much and I'd like to avoid dealing with them. They always doubt my seizures unless recent EEG shows seizure activity.

Things As Of Late

I had my dental appointment changed (easily) to a suburb for much cheaper and less time. It is March 16th. I'm so glad Michael's mother told me there was a dental school in Downer's Grove! I need to make an eye appointment tomorrow for the end of March and order more contacts. Early April I will buy new glasses online with my new prescription. How I pay my dental bills will depend on how messed up my teeth are and what they end up charging. I'm pretty sure I just need a bunch of fillings, as usual.

My mother is going to start vacating her house asap. That means moving in with her long-time partner, my brother moving to Ohio (as planned) to be with his girlfriend, and the cats leaving. I have two of the three right now, but will need to find housing for them during my time gone in May. Bunny, the third, will need temporary housing until my brother brings her back to Ohio to live with him. Oh boy...

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