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Ordinary Things

I got little sleep two nights ago, so I slept so much last night, I missed church :-( And Science Sunday before church, where they were going to talk about the "vacuum" in space. Hopefully my friend can tell me about it when he gets back.

I am getting used to the gluten-free diet, but I feel bad for my mother (who buys my groceries) because it is so expensive. And I'm not even eating "pure" gluten-free! I will eat stuff that isn't labeled gluten-free as long as there isn't gluten listed in the ingredients. There could still be traces of it, though. But my doctor just thinks I'm gluten-intolerant (based on blood-tests) and not Celiac.

My mood is all up and down.

Morrigan le'Fey (Poem)

2/26/15
Morrigan le'Fey

I'm dark and small
Ready for the free-fall
Don't you know?
That I am fearless and careless
Cling to me until your final day
Try to leave; you'll always stay
I warned you when you didn't take me seriously
That I just look into the crystal orb and see things clearly
So watch out -- my spite knows no bounds
Pretty soon I will be paying off debts, making the rounds
For such a pretty little thing, I owe an awful lot
Some wrath to be dealt
Some hearts to melt
Worship is overrated
I was the priestess at your temple, while it was me you hated
Once upon a time, I was just a tempting dream
Then I undid your seams
Crawling into the neurons I should not have entered
Always keeping you off-center
You can blame me all you want
I will still choose you to haunt
So watch your every step, my dear
My eyes are innocent, but it's me you fear
You can't travel to Avalon without expecting retribution
You can't have all of me without the resolution
To dissolve your soul into me
And knowing that I am key
To your freedom, to your happiness
To everything you thought blessed
And when you hold back secrets, there is karma everywhere
And I am the round-eyed seer
Wrecking everything you hold dear
Cross me and you will regret it
Don't pretend to love me back, I know I said it
We can't undo the sorrows we have committed
You are just mumbling and half-witted
Now that I have ruined your brain
Thrown your heart on the tracks of a train
Just to hurt you back
Just to show you what you lack
For love and hate are the same thing
Both encompass you with a golden ring
Our spirits hold each other down, grasping one another
Going from life to life, pulling each other asunder
And though I flutter at the mention of your name
I will never be the same
Terrorized by the fact that we are always intertwined
But pleased at the fact that you will always be mine
There is no escape!

Tags:

Bad Christian (Poem)

Bad Christian

Not pure enough to receive Christ in the procession,
But pure enough to face confession.
Nothing but a stained glass angel staring back at me,
As I beg father to forgive me.
No blood, but a blessing.
And in danger of being sacrificed if I succeed in dying by my own sword –
I must never have heard the Word.
I commit sins where no one wins,
Without reason or rhyme.
And I am running out of time to save my haggard soul.
I don't even know if I believe in those sacraments you supposedly receive,
But someday with enough lashings I will overcome your wrath and forge a new path,
And be in heaven with my brethren.
My prayers a suitable transaction to the saints guarding the gates with satisfaction,
Looking down on my failings and ignoring my pleas and wailings.
Yet still I worship those girls and boys who grew up to be disappointments,
No more than me are they God-sends.
Doctors and lawyers, but their hearts are sick and their tears I lick,
Ever meek yet ever the potential wife of the devil,
Not living up to anyone's level.
Judge me! Throw me into a place of forgetting
And get on with the bloodletting!
Perhaps my infection is just a reflection
Of your fears I shouldn't have to bear.
Brand me and make me sear!
You cast shadows,
But in my heart I will still be playing in the meadows.
I writhe and I don't pay my tithe,
But in my heart I beg for absolution of unknown failings.
Just give me your potion and let Spirit overtake me.
I know someone's watching and I pray they let me free.

****
The inspiration for this is partly my time in Catholic school and my Irish-Catholic family.
I am so glad to be back on LJ! I am so happy to see people I recognize, even if I haven't talked to them or heard from them in a while. You can always personally email me at unicornprincess13 @ gmail.com.

I am listening to the song Dark Horse, by Katy Perry, but performed by other people (and without the rap). I really love it and relate to it. I get too intense and I *always* relate to the idea of being "the dark horse." Maybe it's a self-esteem issue, but I always fee like the underdog, and very determined. In relationships/attempts at relationships. I like to be the chaser. I wouldn't say I seduce people, but I want to feel I have to earn their love, which is kind of messed up. It's very enneagram 4 of me to take a sick pleasure in lost love and unrequited love, which are common occurrences when you are the "chaser." In fact, every instance *I* have been chased, I couldn't have been less interested. I like the feeling of winning someone over who was lukewarm of being involved with me.

Doctor's Results

I think my lab tests came back okay, but it cost $150 to talk about my furthering treatment with my Lyme doctor (I just spent that much earlier to talk to him this month). I am staying on my antibiotics, going to use Young Living frankincense and oregon oils for the pain in my feet, take Valtrex in a large dose (I might have something viral contributing to my problems, plus I have Epstein-Barr which could be reactivated in some way, much like I just had happen with the chicken pox virus), and I am going on some herbal tincture called BLT. It's a bit cheaper than A-Bart. I am going to stay gluten-free for now and do the other supplementary things I'm doing to try and get better. My doctor thinks if I start losing weight again it's a sign I'm getting better. He thinks I have mostly fluid and inflammation -- not fat. Which is why working out constantly and dieting in extreme amounts (such as the HCG diet where my dinner's "vegetable" would be assigned as a pickle, etc.) didn't make me drop a single lb. I'm going to weigh myself infrequently for now and try not to take it too personally, whatever I weigh. Same with my measurements. And sized clothing...

Money Obsessing

Going to April's was fun, overall. Watched lots of My Little Pony <3 Little Bridgett (her daughter) was cute. I've been in a more anxious and volatile mood lately and I don't know why. I should probably have my psych meds temporarily increased. Which I hate to do. I got really upset hearing that my phone call by my Lyme doctor for my test results will cost $150. It's supposed to last half an hour. I hope they found some new clue, given that the doctor seemed so negative last time and I already paid $150 to see him the beginning of this month. I'm currently eating gluten-free because of test results showing I was prone to that, too. I just hate that that diet is so expensive. And I can't easily eat out. And I'm not even being strict about it! I don't worry if crumbs of gluten touched my food; I don't have Celiac Disease and I don't notice any difference on or off gluten.

I bought my ticket to go see my close friend in California. I will be there May 7-June 1. I bought a vintage one-piece bathing suit from Modcloth, though I don't know if I got the sizing right. I might have to exchange it. This is the one: http://www.modcloth.com/shop/onepiece-swimwear/bathing-beauty-one-piece-swimsuit-in-emerald I considered swim dresses, too, but went with this (also over $20 cheaper than the swim dress I considered). I am getting $50 in gift cards for helping Michael with his survey so I'm going to use that money to pay for my psychiatrist appointment March 3rd.

I am calling the dental school tomorrow to get on their waitlist. My teeth have hurt from sweets for years now (basically ever since I last got fillings...) I also intend to make an appointment for the end of March to get an eye exam and contact lenses. The beginning of April I will purchase these glasses online, with my new prescription: http://www.zennioptical.com/768619-metal-alloy-half-rim-frame-with-acetate-temples-and-spring-hinges.html So expensive to have an eye exam, contacts, and glasses when you have astigmatism >_< I at least have coupons for my eye doctor, but I don't know if they will let me combine them (one for $50, one for $25, but my exam alone and contact "fitting" will be more like $160-$170). And April I have to see my Lyme doctor again... So much to worry about. I hate dealing with money.

Going To April's

Going to my dear college friends' home today for the weekend -- that of April and Phil. I will have to bring some gluten-free food. I will be leaving my laptop here for Michael and rely on my phone or borrow April's computer. I'm really reluctant to leave my computer... It's rather anxiety-provoking. I will also bring lots of books and My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic.

Tags:

Blah

I'm reading a book on the enneagram I started a long time ago. I'm a 4w3-6w7-9w1 or 4w3-9w1-6w7. Not sure whether the 9 or 6 is more prominent. And I'm Self-Preservation/Sexual/Social in instincts order. I have a Kindle finally, too! It's a Paperwhite. And a bunch of books on that I'm in the middle of reading. But it's hard not to spend on books with the automatic buy thing. It's useful if I'm up late from insomnia and don't want to wake whomever else is there. I'm a bit overloaded right now. Lots to do, my dishwasher soap part is broken and I'm afraid the apartment complex will break me (and I can't get ahold of maintenance and I don't have an account with the complex because the number they gave me to use doesn't work), and book club on Early Christianity tonight for the first time, at church. Michael is here and brought a bunch of his books to see what will be read. I'm finally at the point where I can listen to Tori Amos again without bad associations.

My Life Lately

A lot has happened since my last post. I was bedridden for most of the year, including having presumably a large seizure that sent me into a month of vertigo and being pretty unresponsive, unable to care for myself in the most basic of ways, and severe amnesia for the past 4 or so years and worse memory, in general (though my memory had been going downhill for a few years). I have Lyme Disease, Bartonella, mold toxicity, probable gluten intolerance, and too many mast cells. I am not innately mentally ill -- these illnesses have caused my "mental illness" which started suddenly around when I turned 19. I'm on high doses of antibiotics and was on a mold toxicity medication and recently had blood drawn and might get my treatment altered soon. I might need IV drips of meds from a mast cell expert, depending on test results. I might go back on Welchol (the mold toxicity med). I'm eating gluten-free right now (for the third time...) Other stuff might be done.

Some of you might remember I was anorexic years ago -- well, I put on weight slowly over time, then quickly, ballooning up to 150lbs spring 2014. No diet or exercise made me drop a lb. Finally when I became incredibly ill and bedridden in the summer I started dropping weight (down to 126), but I gained a bit back. My normal and healthy is 100. I am 5'1". But I am slowly getting better -- I just still have a long way to go.

Michael and I are no longer romantically involved, but we remain best friends. My house was sold and I live in my old apartment complex (which I love) and Michael is here about half the time. He helps me infinitely. I have little money, due to health issues costing so much, etc. but I am intending to go to California by the fall to see another close friend who is very ill and losing her vision. First I have to finish saving for my eye exam and contacts and glasses, though :-/ I have no vision coverage. When I come back from California I intend to set up an appointment with the dental school in Chicago. I know I have cavities. I know putting off an appointment when your teeth are bad is not a good idea, but I have few options. I have priorities -- eyes, seeing my deathly ill friend, *then* fix my teeth.

My mother is trying to sell her house, and after she does she will buy a townhouse I will live in. My brother is intending to move to Ohio to be with his girlfriend, but he's not doing well right now with his mental illness and addictions, so who knows what will happen with him. At least my mother doesn't expect me to live with him. My mother will be moving in with her long-time partner who lives just down the street from her current residence. She has been spending every night there, almost, for many years now, anyways.

I'm in a much better place mentally, though I have good and bad days. My long-term goal is to save money for emergencies at the townhouse and to go to Peru when I am healthy enough to and have the stamina and lack of pain.

Probably Back

Okay, I think I will be writing here more again and less on FaceBook. FaceBook makes me super anxious and overloaded, whereas I have many years of great memories here at LiveJournal. I only primarily moved over there because many had abandoned LJ and I could keep up with many people on FB. This place makes me happy. If you are still around, I'd love it if you'd leave a little comment (just a "Hi!" or something) so I know who is here. I will also start reading LJ again and keeping up with you.

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