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Valtrex, Irish Exhibit

Sorry I am not updating as much as I intended. I can't be on the internet as much as I used to.

I had a very bad physical/psychological reaction to Valtrex and am now off it and on an herbal rx that hopefully will kill off enough viral "bad cells" and contain the virus so I can respond well to Valtrex. I got blood tested again today and we will see if my blood counts and platelets are still messed up.

Saw an Irish exhibit at the Art Institute last night and it was wonderful. I love going there... So inspiring. And now I really want to visit Ireland <3 Not that I have plans... but someday.

Possible Grand Mal Seizure

Sorry it has been so long since I posted. I read my friendslist still, even when not posting. I think I had a seizure early in the morning. Last night I was overheated, super happy, super excited, buying books on my Kindle I couldn't afford and reading late into the night. I had wine to try and make me sleep and it didn't work at all. Eventually I took Klonopin, plus it was super late, and I slept. The time before seizures can be manic-like. I think I had a seizure while sleeping, though I didn't wet the bed this time. I woke up really groggy, but managed to shower. Then got REALLY exhausted and for about six hours laid in bed, not moving. Sometimes I was awake, but I still couldn't even lift my arm. I missed phone calls. Finally I struggled up and craved really high fat food and ate tons of bacon and ice cream. The Ketogenic diet for seizures is high-fat and I know of other people who feel better faster from seizures by eating lots of fat. I don't remember how that works. In 2012 I had an EEG showing seizure activity, but my 2014 one was normal (though I was on the maximum dose of Topamax at the time of my testing, and that had seemed to be controlling my seizures). I'm just on an average dose of Neurontin now, through my psychiatrist, for anxiety and pain. I don't see a neurologist. I have a bad history with them (they have tended to scare me -- I get ones that are very opinionated with strong personalities). In the summer when I had my last test and it came clean, my neurologist blamed my seizure-like experiences on "Fugue" and "PTSD" even before I told him I had PTSD. I was really embarrassed and just gave up seizure treatment, assuming I was all better. I do think I had a severe seizure last May that left me bedridden with vertigo for over a month and caused me amnesia. But other than that, seizure-like experiences were out of the normal for me on the maximum dose of Topamax. I think I might still be getting seizures -- just very occasionally and usually small ones when they do happen. I will tell my psychiatrist if this keeps happening and go back on the max dosage of Topamax through him if need be. The neurologists scare me too much and I'd like to avoid dealing with them. They always doubt my seizures unless recent EEG shows seizure activity.

Things As Of Late

I had my dental appointment changed (easily) to a suburb for much cheaper and less time. It is March 16th. I'm so glad Michael's mother told me there was a dental school in Downer's Grove! I need to make an eye appointment tomorrow for the end of March and order more contacts. Early April I will buy new glasses online with my new prescription. How I pay my dental bills will depend on how messed up my teeth are and what they end up charging. I'm pretty sure I just need a bunch of fillings, as usual.

My mother is going to start vacating her house asap. That means moving in with her long-time partner, my brother moving to Ohio (as planned) to be with his girlfriend, and the cats leaving. I have two of the three right now, but will need to find housing for them during my time gone in May. Bunny, the third, will need temporary housing until my brother brings her back to Ohio to live with him. Oh boy...

Ordinary Things

I got little sleep two nights ago, so I slept so much last night, I missed church :-( And Science Sunday before church, where they were going to talk about the "vacuum" in space. Hopefully my friend can tell me about it when he gets back.

I am getting used to the gluten-free diet, but I feel bad for my mother (who buys my groceries) because it is so expensive. And I'm not even eating "pure" gluten-free! I will eat stuff that isn't labeled gluten-free as long as there isn't gluten listed in the ingredients. There could still be traces of it, though. But my doctor just thinks I'm gluten-intolerant (based on blood-tests) and not Celiac.

My mood is all up and down.

Morrigan le'Fey (Poem)

Morrigan le'Fey

I'm dark and small
Ready for the free-fall
Don't you know?
That I am fearless and careless
Cling to me until your final day
Try to leave; you'll always stay
I warned you when you didn't take me seriously
That I just look into the crystal orb and see things clearly
So watch out -- my spite knows no bounds
Pretty soon I will be paying off debts, making the rounds
For such a pretty little thing, I owe an awful lot
Some wrath to be dealt
Some hearts to melt
Worship is overrated
I was the priestess at your temple, while it was me you hated
Once upon a time, I was just a tempting dream
Then I undid your seams
Crawling into the neurons I should not have entered
Always keeping you off-center
You can blame me all you want
I will still choose you to haunt
So watch your every step, my dear
My eyes are innocent, but it's me you fear
You can't travel to Avalon without expecting retribution
You can't have all of me without the resolution
To dissolve your soul into me
And knowing that I am key
To your freedom, to your happiness
To everything you thought blessed
And when you hold back secrets, there is karma everywhere
And I am the round-eyed seer
Wrecking everything you hold dear
Cross me and you will regret it
Don't pretend to love me back, I know I said it
We can't undo the sorrows we have committed
You are just mumbling and half-witted
Now that I have ruined your brain
Thrown your heart on the tracks of a train
Just to hurt you back
Just to show you what you lack
For love and hate are the same thing
Both encompass you with a golden ring
Our spirits hold each other down, grasping one another
Going from life to life, pulling each other asunder
And though I flutter at the mention of your name
I will never be the same
Terrorized by the fact that we are always intertwined
But pleased at the fact that you will always be mine
There is no escape!


Bad Christian (Poem)

Bad Christian

Not pure enough to receive Christ in the procession,
But pure enough to face confession.
Nothing but a stained glass angel staring back at me,
As I beg father to forgive me.
No blood, but a blessing.
And in danger of being sacrificed if I succeed in dying by my own sword –
I must never have heard the Word.
I commit sins where no one wins,
Without reason or rhyme.
And I am running out of time to save my haggard soul.
I don't even know if I believe in those sacraments you supposedly receive,
But someday with enough lashings I will overcome your wrath and forge a new path,
And be in heaven with my brethren.
My prayers a suitable transaction to the saints guarding the gates with satisfaction,
Looking down on my failings and ignoring my pleas and wailings.
Yet still I worship those girls and boys who grew up to be disappointments,
No more than me are they God-sends.
Doctors and lawyers, but their hearts are sick and their tears I lick,
Ever meek yet ever the potential wife of the devil,
Not living up to anyone's level.
Judge me! Throw me into a place of forgetting
And get on with the bloodletting!
Perhaps my infection is just a reflection
Of your fears I shouldn't have to bear.
Brand me and make me sear!
You cast shadows,
But in my heart I will still be playing in the meadows.
I writhe and I don't pay my tithe,
But in my heart I beg for absolution of unknown failings.
Just give me your potion and let Spirit overtake me.
I know someone's watching and I pray they let me free.

The inspiration for this is partly my time in Catholic school and my Irish-Catholic family.
I am so glad to be back on LJ! I am so happy to see people I recognize, even if I haven't talked to them or heard from them in a while. You can always personally email me at unicornprincess13 @ gmail.com.

I am listening to the song Dark Horse, by Katy Perry, but performed by other people (and without the rap). I really love it and relate to it. I get too intense and I *always* relate to the idea of being "the dark horse." Maybe it's a self-esteem issue, but I always fee like the underdog, and very determined. In relationships/attempts at relationships. I like to be the chaser. I wouldn't say I seduce people, but I want to feel I have to earn their love, which is kind of messed up. It's very enneagram 4 of me to take a sick pleasure in lost love and unrequited love, which are common occurrences when you are the "chaser." In fact, every instance *I* have been chased, I couldn't have been less interested. I like the feeling of winning someone over who was lukewarm of being involved with me.

Doctor's Results

I think my lab tests came back okay, but it cost $150 to talk about my furthering treatment with my Lyme doctor (I just spent that much earlier to talk to him this month). I am staying on my antibiotics, going to use Young Living frankincense and oregon oils for the pain in my feet, take Valtrex in a large dose (I might have something viral contributing to my problems, plus I have Epstein-Barr which could be reactivated in some way, much like I just had happen with the chicken pox virus), and I am going on some herbal tincture called BLT. It's a bit cheaper than A-Bart. I am going to stay gluten-free for now and do the other supplementary things I'm doing to try and get better. My doctor thinks if I start losing weight again it's a sign I'm getting better. He thinks I have mostly fluid and inflammation -- not fat. Which is why working out constantly and dieting in extreme amounts (such as the HCG diet where my dinner's "vegetable" would be assigned as a pickle, etc.) didn't make me drop a single lb. I'm going to weigh myself infrequently for now and try not to take it too personally, whatever I weigh. Same with my measurements. And sized clothing...

Money Obsessing

Going to April's was fun, overall. Watched lots of My Little Pony <3 Little Bridgett (her daughter) was cute. I've been in a more anxious and volatile mood lately and I don't know why. I should probably have my psych meds temporarily increased. Which I hate to do. I got really upset hearing that my phone call by my Lyme doctor for my test results will cost $150. It's supposed to last half an hour. I hope they found some new clue, given that the doctor seemed so negative last time and I already paid $150 to see him the beginning of this month. I'm currently eating gluten-free because of test results showing I was prone to that, too. I just hate that that diet is so expensive. And I can't easily eat out. And I'm not even being strict about it! I don't worry if crumbs of gluten touched my food; I don't have Celiac Disease and I don't notice any difference on or off gluten.

I bought my ticket to go see my close friend in California. I will be there May 7-June 1. I bought a vintage one-piece bathing suit from Modcloth, though I don't know if I got the sizing right. I might have to exchange it. This is the one: http://www.modcloth.com/shop/onepiece-swimwear/bathing-beauty-one-piece-swimsuit-in-emerald I considered swim dresses, too, but went with this (also over $20 cheaper than the swim dress I considered). I am getting $50 in gift cards for helping Michael with his survey so I'm going to use that money to pay for my psychiatrist appointment March 3rd.

I am calling the dental school tomorrow to get on their waitlist. My teeth have hurt from sweets for years now (basically ever since I last got fillings...) I also intend to make an appointment for the end of March to get an eye exam and contact lenses. The beginning of April I will purchase these glasses online, with my new prescription: http://www.zennioptical.com/768619-metal-alloy-half-rim-frame-with-acetate-temples-and-spring-hinges.html So expensive to have an eye exam, contacts, and glasses when you have astigmatism >_< I at least have coupons for my eye doctor, but I don't know if they will let me combine them (one for $50, one for $25, but my exam alone and contact "fitting" will be more like $160-$170). And April I have to see my Lyme doctor again... So much to worry about. I hate dealing with money.

Going To April's

Going to my dear college friends' home today for the weekend -- that of April and Phil. I will have to bring some gluten-free food. I will be leaving my laptop here for Michael and rely on my phone or borrow April's computer. I'm really reluctant to leave my computer... It's rather anxiety-provoking. I will also bring lots of books and My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic.


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